Beauty is not a woman's fault

I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but let's be real, I'm not exactly firing on all cylinders upstairs.

So, I get dragged into the palace to be a royal concubine. This one senator starts ranting:

"Your Majesty, she's a femme fatale..."

I lift my veil, give him a look, and the guy just freezes.

"She's a femme fatale...whoa! Like, what a smokeshow. I propose we make her queen! They say beauty comes from within, and someone this stunning has gotta have a good heart, right?!?"

Then there's this other concubine, Susie, always doing the fake-nice act, like a total Karen. It got on my nerves, so one day, I just shoved her into the koi pond.

Her brother, a hotshot army dude, storms into the palace, sword drawn, and glares at me.

"You pushed my sister? Let me tell you, you..."

I turned around, and the guy just stammered, his ears turning pink, voice going all high-pitched:

"If...if you like pushing people, you... you can push me, too."

****

Our country, the Land of the Pines, was in a smackdown with the Land of the River. Our King, Kaden, lost a big battle and had to send a "beauty" as tribute.

That was me.

Before I left, Princess Ann came to see me. She leaned in, whispering:

"Did you know that being sent to the Land of the River is a total death sentence? I was supposed to go, but Kaden made you go instead."

She snickered:

"How does it feel knowing you went through everything to help him become king, but he only cares about me? You've been nothing but a pawn to him!"

I might be the most gorgeous woman alive, but I'm a bit dim. After her whole spiel, all I picked up on was "pawn."

So, I giggled, playfully smacked her arm:

"Pawn? Oh, I'm totally into that, thanks."

Princess Ann's face just went blank. She was so mad, she almost forgot her manners, stuttering, “You, you, uh…” before finally storming off.

The Prime Minister and the whole gang of officials came to see me off at the city gates. The Minister told me:

"You absolutely must seduce the River King, Rex. Be the most scandalous, man-eating queen. Do you understand?"

I nodded, picked up a glass of wine, and showed him my "man-eating" side:

"This is so good, I'm getting happy feet! Oops, tiny burp."

The Minister was shook.

But instead of getting angry, his cheeks turned red, "You’re certainly…unconventional. But, because of your stunning face, your actions…it’s captivating. It’s a whole new kind of scandalous."

I left with the whole crew seeing me off. But King Kaden was a no-show.

Why wasn't he there? Was he mad at me?

Maybe it was about that whole banquet thing?

It wasn’t my fault!

I was just sitting there, minding my own business, and people were staring at me like I was a glazed donut. I was trying to talk to some of the ladies there when I said I liked dogs.

And, boom, the Minister of Protocol, a dude way past his prime, bolted to the kitchen and dove headfirst to grab a plate of ribs, not a drop of gravy was lost.

He ran back, placed them before me, wagging his butt and making 'woof woof' noises like he w...