The Perfume Wars

Moving into my new place was supposed to be a fresh start, but the HOA manager pulled me aside like I was joining a secret society. “Hey, we've got a couple in the complex trying to get pregnant," he said, "Just… be cool, okay?"

Weird, but whatever. What did their baby-making have to do with me?

I unpacked, took a shower after all the heavy lifting, and then checked the community group chat. That's when I saw it: a notification from someone with a cartoon baby as their profile pic, @'ing me like crazy:

BabyOnBoard: Hey there, new neighbor! I saw you earlier at the grocery store. Girl, your perfume was intense. Seriously, you need to tone it down. It’s affecting us!

I frowned. Did they have allergies? But then she kept going:

BabyOnBoard: You see, my hubby and I are trying for a baby, and your perfume just… well, it’s a distraction for him. It interferes with our conception efforts!

BabyOnBoard: You know how guys are. You have to keep an eye on them! Don’t want you getting labeled a homewrecker, especially since you look so young and pretty.

BabyOnBoard: There are plenty of fish in the sea. No need to cause a catfight in our complex! It’s just bad for the neighborhood’s rep! grinning face emoji

Me: Whaaat?

I was ready to lay into her, but then I remembered the HOA manager’s cryptic warning. This had to be the infamous, baby-obsessed neighbor he was talking about. So, I took a deep breath and replied:

Me: Hey, I understand you're stressed about getting pregnant, but perfume is kind of part of my job. It's hard for me to avoid. What building are you in? Maybe I can try to steer clear of your area when I can.

BabyOnBoard: Nope. We were here first! You’re the newbie, so you adjust to us! Don't try to sabotage our marriage by making me feel like the bad guy here!

I was speechless.

Me: Ma'am, there are a ton of people in this complex. I have zero interest in your marriage, I promise.

The chat went quiet for a full ten seconds. Then, he showed up:

Hubby4Life: What kind of disrespectful attitude is that? You need to learn some manners! The country is encouraging family and you're part of the problem why birthrates are down!

BabyOnBoard: That’s my man right there! So understanding!

BabyOnBoard: Okay, ladies, listen up! I'm only saying this once, so pay attention. Every evening, my husband and I take our walk around the complex. During that time, all the females better not be wearing makeup! I don't want my man distracted by your faces.

BabyOnBoard: Also, please don’t put your lingerie on the balcony. It affects our ‘marital activities’. tagging all women in the group

My jaw hit the floor. Was this lady for real? This was some next-level crazy.

I shot back, @'ing them both:

Me: The psych ward's left, the fertility clinic's right. Have a nice day!

Chapter 2

After that, I muted the group chat. I had no energy for that couple’s nonsense.

The next day, I was swamped at work. My business partner gave me a ride home, and as I stepped out o...