The Movie Star Husband and the Baby Bombshell

My famous actor husband, Jake, went completely bonkers when he found out I was pregnant. Like, next-level bonkers. The guy actually posted online, asking:

"My wife’s expecting! What can I get her besides a yacht, a mansion, and a private jet?"

I saw the picture of the pregnancy test he’d plastered all over his socials and thought, "Well, might as well roll with this." So, I chimed in, all sweet and innocent:

"How about a plane ticket? We need to be attached at the hip!"

Next thing I knew, my Twitter feed exploded. I was getting roasted alive:

"Seriously, Riley? You’re like a barnacle! Trying to latch onto Sarah and Jake’s baby? Disgusting."

I was so confused. I clicked over to Sarah's live stream, and there she was, chilling in my sweats, in the new freaking mansion Jake got me, bossing people around about doulas and organic baby food.

I went nuclear. I jumped into her stream, demanding she get her butt out of my house.

But before I could even get a word in edgewise, Jake's personal account jumped into her stream, dropping virtual confetti and showering her with digital gifts, professing his undying love.

Sarah, the queen of smug, dared me to show up at the mansion, face-to-face. I drove over, ready to rip her a new one, but she just casually waved a marriage certificate, property deed, and a signed prenatal record with Jake's signature right under my nose.

I was seeing red. I called Jake, my voice dripping with ice:

“You better explain this Sarah mess, and you better do it now, or you’re sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life!”

…

Like I said, Jake was thrilled to hear about the pregnancy. He went full-on Daddy-mode, showering me with yachts, mansions, and private jets, and was still looking for more ways to spoil me. Hence, the desperate social media plea:

"My wife’s expecting! What can I get her besides a yacht, a mansion, and a private jet?"

I even felt a little touched when he plastered my pregnancy test all over Instagram. So, I figured, might as well join in:

"How about a plane ticket? We need to be attached at the hip!"

As soon as I hit "send," my notifications started blowing up. I was a little nervous, since, for Jake's career, we'd kept our marriage and baby plans on the DL.

But when I finally clicked through, I nearly choked. Every single comment was a variation of "stop trying to steal the spotlight":

“Riley, haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough? Seriously, quit trying to be relevant. ”

“You’re trying to claim Jake and Sarah’s kid now? Get real!”

“Girl, the audacity! Trying to be ‘attached at the hip’? More like glued on with desperation.”

I sighed. What does Sarah have to do with my baby? This girl has been trying to one-up me since day one. Even though I'm basically retired now, she can't stop siccing her fans on me.

I went to Sarah's page, thinking I'd send her a DM, but my finger slipped and I tapped her live stream.

And there she was. Wearing my freaking pajamas. In my brand new mansion.

The m...